


Sing This When "I'm Fine" Starts To Mean "I'm Dying Inside, But If I Told You, You Wouldn't Really Care"

by hidefromeveryone



Category: None - Fandom, Personal - Fandom
Genre: Depression, F/F, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Intoxication, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Texting, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-23
Updated: 2016-08-23
Packaged: 2018-08-10 12:13:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7844488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hidefromeveryone/pseuds/hidefromeveryone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Is there pity for the plain girl?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sing This When "I'm Fine" Starts To Mean "I'm Dying Inside, But If I Told You, You Wouldn't Really Care"

**Author's Note:**

> Heavily inspired by "I'm Gonna Regret This." by CloseTheGoddamnDoorSWAT. 
> 
> I don't really know what this is. Kind of an outpour of all my feelings? 
> 
> Anyway, I've been struggling a lot this summer and I think my outlet with writing is starting to come back to me, slowly but surely. 
> 
> Please leave any comments, questions, etc. below <3

I wonder if she stays awake at night because of me. Or did she grow tired of my suicidal tendencies?

Filled with self-hate and profanities.  
Mixed with compulsions and anxiety.  
Doused with depression and self injury.  
Insomnia, and the noises of the deep.  
Slipping into every obscenity and midnight fantasy.

 

Looking out the back windshield of a moving car at night, I ponder why she hasn't answered. I'm scared of what my mind is trying to say.

Annoyance full of fallacies and reveries.  
Overweight with scars and a face full of acne.  
Oppressive silence or mindless deafening streams of vocabulary.  
Shaking hands making poetry, destroying glee.

 

She used to be the reasons to live, but then one day she vanished from my side, and I couldn't find a reason anymore. Crippling isolation leads to reckless abandon.

Wow, you really did that?!  
Giving up fulfilled too often, dripping with guilt.  
Overdoses made of cyanide and happiness.  
Choking on burgundy liquid and youth.  
Failure procures back-up lives of indecision.

 

I usually save myself, but today I need her to do it for me. I'm not in the mood to resurrect a sinner.

Crimson stains of apathy and bisexuality.  
Bruises of contortion, strangulation.  
Scratches made of flesh dissolving into calcium.  
Tears born of washed-up sympathy and drug-store empathy.  
Is anybody out there?

 

I just want to feel the rhythm, but I can't feel anything right now. So I'm choosing liquor over lovers in the hopes it'll turn out.

You remind me of her, loud laughter and dense dreams.  
Just a sketch made of rough edges, soft joints.  
Veins bursting with intoxication, sliding down the sink.  
Speaking of love as if it's talkshow diplomacy.

 

My phone just went off, time to be normal, stop spacing out, and act fine. Turn on the tap to my thoughts and let the water run until it's clear.

My brain's messed up, what's new?  
Simple pleasantries made of rose water and delicacies.  
Capital letters of excitement and forced intimacy.  
Covering up for inquiries of stability.  
I care about you, but do you?

 

Talking didn't work, give up on me. Not being able to decode my own thoughts, meaning lost in translation.

She declares love and care.  
Oblivious to the decay inside.  
Fully aware, ignorant of the cause.  
Knowing organs are seizing, gripping my heart tighter.  
Sucking my veins dry, I'm still dying inside.  
"I'm dying too."

 

Phone ringing, belly full of pills bursting galaxies. She never answers, I still love her.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: @hidefromeveryone


End file.
